I want you in my home to know you’re not alone in those long-shadowed halls paced by perpetually lost—dementia scouring their last stains of memory
more than safe, I want you to feel safe yet I’m drowning in this deep dank bog of lung
rain sluices from leaves beneath a starless sky as distant shouts urge me to find my way back yet I am beyond lost having unwrapped and dropped their safety rope from my waist so I could reach you
all my cells replicated yours when you were my sole cord to life—for that I worshipped you till the God, Hormones, ascended
as I stumble over elephantine roots, machete through plants so large dinosaurs must still exist on this swampy earth, my lungs match each step's suck of mud, every breath a drowning, yet I won’t release this taut line between us mottled with white ash and blood dark wine nor understand how your Emmental brain won't let you walk or know where you are in time, yet provides lucid wit and end- less memory for the inconsequential
years now since I severed and flung our rope in your flames yet you remain tangled as worry and seared to my palm when I reach for you in wake or in dream unable to rest or breathe for want of you
Thank you to the editors of Melancholy Hyperbole for first publishing this poem in an earlier version.
These are suggestions to support someone who is seriously or chronically ill rather than someone with the flu, though none of these suggestions will harm the acutely sick. This is not intended to be universal for everyone, but will hopefully help others approach this challenging issue in ways that are helpful for the ill and their caregivers. Feel free to comment with your own experiences.
1) Simplify their routine and physical space for rest and safe mobility
2) Volunteer to clean, run errands, drive them places, and care for pets or children
3) Provide nourishing food that’s easy to eat and digest
4) Take time for yourself
5) Listen with empathy and remain present even in silence
9) Children’s audio books or reading aloud (kid lit tends to be uplifting and hopeful)
10) Engage the person in any activity that interests them
11) Be an advocate
Examples:
Allow the person to rest as much as needed (our cells regenerate when we’re deeply relaxed as in meditation and when we sleep. We also do our psychological integration during sleep). If possible, gentle to moderate movement, even if lying in bed, is also important when not sleeping or deeply resting since it helps circulation, the lymph system (which destroys pathogens) and maintains joint mobilization. Massage can help if the if the person is unable to move. Respect individual need.
Remove obstacles in the person’s pathway, not only to prevent injury but also to create mental ease. And declutter declutter declutter…I’m not a neat-nik, but a clean environment is critical when one is seriously ill. When the body is struggling, the mind is as well and can be easily overwhelmed by sensory information.
2) Don’t wait to be asked; offer to clean the immediate area or home for the person, same with their pets or children, or whatever they need help with such as groceries, getting to or making appointments, or possibly driving them to a calm pretty place for even a five minute visit if they’re able to leave their bed or home.
3) Well-cooked rice is usually digestible even for the very ill, though ground baby-food rice is an alternative if someone is too sick to even digest soft rice. Consider using organic foods when possible to reduce pesticides or herbicides from further stressing a person’s system. The benefit of chicken soup is not a myth. Bone marrow broth is also rich with healing minerals, glucosamine and other substances that bouillon cubes do not offer. Organic miso is another healing and generally easily digested food. Patients in Japanese hospitals, who had miso soup three times a day, experienced far lower rates of cancer and other post-atomic bomb illness in Nagasaki and Hiroshima than the non-hospitalized population. This is how we learned that miso reduces radiation effects.
4) If you are a caregiver, get a massage, dance, practice yoga, walk, visit a friend, play with a dog, sauna, meditate, play a game, participate in a sport, create, nap…whatever you need to restore yourself. Caregiving is hard work even when it’s not full time.
5) Actively listen when the ill person speaks. If they would prefer to have you speak, perhaps tell them stories or read to them…preferably uplifting stories so the brain maintains positive associations. It may also help to sing. Few interactions provide the soothing quality of song, which may also help you. If silence is needed, simply breathe as they breathe. Following breath, yours or theirs, is a powerful method of maintaining or developing presence.
6) Comedies may help when someone is disabled or chronically ill. Some good ones include “When Harry Met Sally,” “Robin Williams: Live on Broadway” “Groundhog Day”, “Amelie,” the best of SNL with Steve Martin and the like, and TV series like “Arrested Development” “Gilmore Girls” “Modern Family” “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons.” Anything that provides laughter is invaluable for both the ill and their caregivers.
7) Touch offers comfort, can ease anxiety, and may establish connection even in the absence of verbal communication. Obviously one must remain respectful and empathetic to what the sick person is comfortable with in terms of location, pressure and type of touch (caress to stillness) and a few people will not want touch at all; instead, only the nearness of someone who cares about them. However, even gently holding another’s hand can provide connection that effects the primal brain, thus reducing fear and stress. Massage, even as simple as a gentle hand or foot massage, can increase endorphins. Pressure can also trump pain, which is why if we hit a shin we often press on it to make it feel better.
8) “Music for Airports” by Brian Eno, ambient music stations like Hearts in Space, or any style of music that the person especially loves (this can change with serious illness) can be surprisingly helpful. When everything is overwhelming to one’s system, the simplicity of ambient music can be soothing.
9) Ask a librarian or independent book seller for good audio books and books to read aloud. The Secret Garden,The Thief Lord, andThe No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency are engaging audio books. Children’s books are especially good to read aloud as are some of David Sedaris‘ stories. Children’s writing is often uplifting and well-written. Consider Winnie the Pooh, a classic for almost any age, especially when one feels vulnerable.
10) You may want to talk about pets, loved ones, music, fashion, astronomy, gardening, whatever might interest the person enough, however temporarily, so that they can focus on something other than how they’re feeling, mortality, and the like. I’m not suggesting that these issues shouldn’t be discussed, only that if you can connect them to something that enlivens them, it may be helpful.
11) Help them with insurance forms and companies; applying for disability or other needed resources; and accompany them to medical visits. Illness itself can be overwhelming without also having to track every option a medical professional suggests, or having to remember the answer to every question asked, or waiting on hold till a call is answered by a company, or filling out extensive forms. During appointments the person may want you to speak for them, or ask clarifying questions about medicines, procedures, treatment, recovery, options, that may be too overwhelming for the individual to navigate alone.
Elizabeth Oakley Weaver 